Drink the Pain Away
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: Gintoki is having a bad day in which drinking himself into oblivious seems like the only option. He'd be sleeping with the trash if Hijikata hadn't stepped in to stop him.


Gintoki's walking a fine line.

Caught somewhere between desperation and emptiness, Gintoki's halfway to drowning himself in liquor. He's so stuck in the past that he can't see the present and his tunnel vision is so narrowed that he can't focus on anything else. The drinks numb the pain, but no matter how much alcohol he consumes, it doesn't dull the memory. He's trapped within himself and can't escape the prison of his mind.

He woke up this morning to find that his reality was fracturing all around him and his mouth was full of cotton, he couldn't breathe because the walls were crushing him and every breath took effort and a willpower that he didn't have to spare. The only thing that had gotten him up was Kagura calling him for breakfast and Shinpachi coming in to collect some dirty clothes for a wash. Had it been just him, he never would have gotten up and sometimes he's not even sure how he manages to function on days such as this. His kids need him, but they don't really _need_ him, they can take care of themselves.

They're out now though, which leaves Gintoki to do the only thing he's really good for — downing mass amounts of liquor and somehow surviving the ordeal. His fingertips have stopped tingling and while the past still clings to him, it's less loud now, but no matter how much he drinks, the empty void of nothingness doesn't get filled. It remains, it always remains, like a hole blown right through his chest, through his life, that can't be fixed. _He_ can't be fixed and that's okay because he's not worth fixing, anyway.

"It's the middle of the afternoon."

Gintoki spins in the bar seat, throwing on a smile. "Oogushi-kun! Come, have a drink!"

Hijikata is nonplussed and sighs as he comes forward to take the nearly empty drink from Gintoki's heavy fingers. He makes feeble protests, but Hijikata is a force to be reckoned with while Gintoki has no will to reckon with anything. Only a few minutes later and he's stumbling out in the street with Hijikata lighting a cigarette next to him.

"I wasn't done," Gintoki complains.

"Yeah, you were."

Hijikata has a _no nonsense_ tone and Gintoki's smile drops right off his face, there's no point keeping it there. He's like the kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar after midnight, except he doesn't feel bad about it. He _does_, but he also very much doesn't because he doesn't have the capacity to care about things like the fact that his liver is even closer to giving up. He doesn't even know they're going to the barracks until he trips going up the stairs toward Hijikata's room. He'd just kind of shut off and lost focus, letting Hijikata lead the way like he tends to do.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Mm…" he has to think back, "no."

And that's how he finds himself standing in Hijikata's room munching on a snack. He's on autopilot, he does whatever Hijikata tells him to when he's like this, and he's drunk, too, so he just goes along with… whatever. He might be a little more on guard if it were anyone else, but this is Hijikata and for Gintoki, that's reason enough.

"C'mere."

It's a blur now, the alcohol has done its job and he knows he's done for. there's a tumble of colors, Hijikata's voice, his words muffled, and then Gintoki is down and out. He doesn't remember the futon being brought out or being stripped from his yukata, he only remembers the relief as the weight of the past quit suffocating him so much.

-o-O-o-

Gintoki wakes up and while he does have a slight headache, he's not hungover. He's still tired, he's always tired, it seems, but once he notices the feeling on his waist, he gets enough will to lift his head. Hijikata cracks an eye open and right away he's searching for something that Gintoki doesn't even try to hide. With just one pull from Hijikata's hand, Gintoki wriggles and flops over so they're facing each other, their heads on the same pillow.

Hijikata slides his hand up into permy hair, his thumb rubbing against Gintoki's forehead. "Someday you're gonna have to let me know what goes on in here."

Someday. Maybe. Today is not that day.

There's comfort in knowing Hijikata's okay with that and that there's no pressure to spill the secrets he keeps to himself. The ones that eat him alive everyday and the ones that will shed light to every disgusting part of him. He feels guilty a lot for even daring to have a relationship with Hijikata — how could he ever deserve someone so _good_? But Hijikata isn't someone he can let go of and definitely isn't someone he wants to let go of even when he feels that it's in Hijikata's best interest to not have Gintoki fucking up his life.

"Don't you have work?" Gintoki asks and catches that quick flash of disappointment before it's gone.

"It's after nine, I'm callin' it an early night." Hijikata hooks a leg between Gintoki's. "Don't ask about the kids, I let'em know you won't be back tonight."

Humming, Gintoki scooches a little closer and closes his eyes. Hijikata's arm goes back around his waist and suddenly, in this little moment, things are okay. The walls aren't as crushing, the emptiness is suspended, and he can smile. It's a small one, but it's more than he usually manages on one of his bad days and… he's okay.

He'll be okay.


End file.
